Hold On
by ipreferwestside
Summary: She doesn't want to do this with an audience; she just wants to get her stuff and go unseen. It was hard enough seeing Rick's face fall when she'd confessed her intent; she didn't want to face his daughter too. Spec fic based on an 8x05 sneak peek.


_Speculative 8x05 fic, based on the sneak preview. Characters are not mine. Any mistakes are._

* * *

 **HOLD ON**

Kate knocks when she gets to the loft. She doesn't need to, knows Castle would tell her just to use her key. If he hasn't changed the locks, that is. And that's what absolutely petrifies her.

But it's also to see if Alexis is home. She doesn't want to do this with an audience; she just wants to get her stuff and go unseen. It was hard enough seeing Rick's face fall when she'd confessed her intent; she didn't want to face his daughter too.

Kate finally lets herself in after a second unanswered knock, and goes directly to their – his – bedroom. The bed is immaculate, and she wonders when he slept here last. Judging by the thin layer of dust on the dresser, no one's even been in this room since the housekeeper was here a few days before.

Kate pauses at the display of pictures on the dresser, traces her finger of the one from their wedding. Neither of them had even known it was being taken until her dad had presented it to them a few weeks alter. She and Rick were in each other's arms, swaying to the music playing on his phone. Their foreheads were touching and he was staring at her, smiling, while her eyes were closed. They were so happy But now…

Kate feels her heart drop. Now, she's ruined everything. Her and her stupid need for justice. She has every intention of coming home when it's over, if Castle will still have her. But every day without any progress is another day apart.

"He's been sleeping at his office."

Kate whirls around at the voice, her hand flying to the holster at her hip out of instinct. But she relaxes when she sees her step-daughter. "Alexis. I knocked, but there was no answer, so I just—well, I didn't think anyone was home," she offers in explanation.

"I just got home." Alexis is leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed as she studies Kate. "He comes by every couple days to switch out clothes, but besides that, he pretty much stays away. Said it reminds him too much of you. It's too painful."

 _Oh._

Kate sinks to the edge of the bed. _Oh God, what have I done?_ "Alexis—"

"I don't know what's going on," Alexis interrupts, taking a step into the room. "I don't know why you left, or what you're into. I know it's not that you don't love him anymore, because I know you do. I can see it right now." She sits next to Kate. "Why are you doing this?"

"I'm—I have—"

"Have to what, Beckett? Have to break his heart? Make him think he needs to win you back? Make him all hopeful when you call him out of the blue, then break his heart all over again when you don't come home? What the hell are you doing?"

"He doesn't need to win me back," Kate replies after a few moments of collecting her thoughts. "He never lost me. But I need to distance myself for awhile, until I figure it out. To keep him safe."

"Figure what out? Safe from what?" Alexis shifts so she's facing Kate. "Why can't you tell him anything? At least explain why you had to leave, and if you tell him to give you space, he'll give you space."

Kate shakes her head. "But he won't. That's what I'm afraid of. If I tell him anything, and he pursues it at all, they—" She freezes. _Stop. You'll say too much._

But Alexis is too quick. "They? Who's 'they?' Kate, what are you talking about?"

"Nothing."

"Like hell it's nothing!" Alexis finally snaps. "You're into something that would put him in danger, aren't you? And you're trying to keep him safe." Kate's silent, but that just confirms Alexis's suspicions. "Look, I don't want to lose him either. But he helped you solve your mom's murder. He basically down Jerry Tyson. He's not exactly helpless, you know. He can handle himself."

Kate just looks down at her clasped hands. "I can't lose him," she finally admits, her voice breaking. "Losing my mom almost killed me. If I lost your dad, if it was because of me, because of this…this thing I'm doing, I couldn't live with myself." She finally looks up at Alexis and sees the fire in her eyes, but sees the empathy too. They both want the same thing: Rick happy and healthy and _alive,_ they just have very different opinions on how it can be accomplished.

 _This is only temporary._

"But what if it's not?" Alexis asks, and Kate realizes she vocalized her thought. "Whatever you're doing, whoever you're investigating, obviously if you're scared for Dad's life, they're powerful. Which means they're well-connected and have covered their tracks. This could take months, years. Are you really going to make him wait that long?"

"How did you—"

"I wasn't born yesterday, Kate. I know what your mom's case did to you. I figure the only thing that could lead to this is another case. And it's probably related to that one. It's the only thing that makes sense."

Kate leans forward and drops her forehead in her palms. "You can't say anything, Alexis. Please, promise me you won't say anything to him. If he even gets a sniff of what's going on, he won't let up. Just—I have no right to ask this, but can you try to trust me? I'm doing everything in my power to come back, to shut the book on this once and for all. And I can't do that if I think your dad is in danger."

Alexis studies Kate for a few moments. She doesn't like keeping secrets from her dad, but her stepmother is right. If it's really related to her mom's case, to Bracken, then whomever Kate is investigating will use anyone they can as leverage. The least she can do is give Kate the space she needs to fix this.

Finally, Alexis nods. "Okay. I don't like what you're doing, and I don't like not telling Dad. I won't keep it from him forever, okay? At some point he needs to know."

Kate reaches out and takes Alexis's hand. "Thank you. I promise, this is only temporary."

"Will you keep me updated? When you can?"

"I'll try."

They stand, and Alexis pulls Kate in for a hug. "Let me know what I can do, okay?" She steps away when they pull apart, head back out to the living room. "I'll let you pack."

"Thanks, Alexis." As she collects the rest of her toiletries and clothes, and boxes up her various possessions for storage, Kate can't help but feel conflicted. She knows that if they really want to use Rick as leverage, her not living here won't matter one bit. But it makes her feel like she's doing _something_ by doing this. Her heart breaks a little more with every book she puts in a box, every pair of shoes she takes from the closet.

 _Temporary,_ she repeats over and over. _It's only temporary. I'll come home soon._

 **-FIN-**


End file.
